A Case Study

You were recently called to Siren Reformed Church as their first female pastor.  Four very generous families left upon the Search Committee’s recommendation of your candidacy.  The remaining congregation voted unanimously to call you as their pastor.  Upon arrival, several members came to you asking you to engage the families that chose to leave.  The financial loss to the church has been great, and many believe that if these four families simply ‘met’ you they would all return.  How exactly would you work with your lay leaders and congregation to process the loss of these four families?

My gut reaction is to tell them to stop being lazy and give more money.   My other gut reaction is the thought, “I don’t want them in the congregation I’m serving if they don’t approve of women in church leadership positions.”  Neither of these are helpful reactions, but I think before I can in any way help the congregation process this loss, my own initial feelings need to be named.   Because I know I am speaking out of these immediate biases, I am better able to control what I say and how I engage with the congregation that stayed.  The writer of I Timothy 4:6-16, although it is contextually specific to a group of people, holds important insights for why it is important to know yourself, your reaction, and to be mindful of it when leading. 

My first step would be to ask questions about these four families roles in the church.  Were they seen mostly as people who gave a lot of money?  Were they deeply involved in the life of the church through programs?  Were they leaders on the Council/Consistory? What role did the men of these families play?  What role did the women of these families play?  By helping to construct the story of how these for families were a part of the life of this church, the congregation will hopefully be able to name why these families were important to the congregation.  Once they’ve named why and how they were important, they would be able to begin to speak into why the loss of these families presence is significant. 

Besides naming these things, it is important for me to know the context of the congregation’s loss.  Crosby and Bryson explain the importance of active listening and dialogue are an important step to any team building that is happening or will happen in the future.  If trust is not established by using active listening and dialogue in times of trouble and loss, then it will never be possible in times of peace and calm.  It seems to me that engaging in the practice of listening and dialogue is probably the most important approach in this situation.  I cannot fix the loss, nor can I bring the families who left back.  When someone is mourning the death of a loved one, sometimes you just need to sit with them.  Sometimes you need to talk about the person they lost.  I think the same is true for a grieving congregation.  I (and the rest of the lay leadership) need to sit with the congregation through the loss and help them to tell stories.  But we are also tasked with helping the congregation move forward from the loss.

My next step would be to ask the congregation why they felt it was important for them to call me, a woman.  What values were the voters trying to uphold?  What values were the voters hoping to build up?  What power structure has been used in the past?  What power structure do they foresee being used in the future?  What problems were the congregation anticipating when they called me?  What problems were they hoping I would solve?   By helping the congregation name why my presence here was important to them (they did vote unanimously, after all), they will hopefully begin to discuss why they didn’t feel these four families leaving was an issue when they decided to extend me the call.  I also hope ruminating about such things will help them be able to better name the values and ideals the congregation hopes to uphold and build.  Calling a new pastor tends to come after reassessing the needs and values of the congregation – hopefully they will be able to continue to name those and work toward them, rather than fall back into old, and perhaps unhealthy patterns that may have existed before.

It should be noted that I do not foresee these discussions happening in some big congregational meeting.  Rather, I see the initial conversation happening with the Council/Consistory.  I would encourage the elders, deacons, and other leaders to engage these topics of conversation when they hear people wondering about how the church will do financially because these four families are gone.  I would, of course, speak about the issue when asked but generally will not bring up these four specific families.   If asked to meet with the families by someone other than them, I’d simply reply that meeting the will not change their deep convictions about women’s role in ministerial leadership.  I’d also reply that it isn’t my job to change their minds.  My job as a pastor is to care for the congregation, to proclaim the Kingdom of God, and to equip the congregation to proclaim that Kingdom as well.  If the four families asked to me with me themselves, I would be glad to engage in that conversation, with a member or two of Council/Consistory present.

I’d also begin preaching and teaching about what it means and looks like to be followers of Christ.  What does tithing look like?  What does worship look like?  What does it mean to be a part of a congregation?  What does it mean to live into your baptism and profession of faith?  What does it mean to celebrate the Lord’s Supper as a community?  What does it mean to raise up children in the faith?  All these questions and more, when given as challenges and teaching tools to the congregation will hopefully help them to better name and begin to live out the values they already hold and the values they hope to build.  By equipping new members of the congregation to “replace” (for lack of a better word) the four families, we begin to move past mourning to rebuilding.  If the worry about finances is great, we can begin to ask how we (as leadership) can better engage in giving practices and how we can challenge congregation members to do the same.   Again, I Timothy 4 comes to mind.  Verse 11 says “There are things you must insist on and teach…”  The writer is talking about preaching and teaching godliness and living as an example.  I think challenging the congregation with these questions will help them to better understand what their role as and in the church is.

One of my favorite quotes ever is by Madeline L’Engle:  “Creation continues lavishly, and we are a part of it. Not only are stars and people and fireflies born, not only do they die, but what we as creature do during our lifespan makes a difference.  We are not just passive, acted upon; we are also actors in the great drama of creation.”  It speaks not only to the rhythm of life and loss, but also the importance to continue on.  We are not simply allowed to let things happen to us, we are called to action.

It is difficult when any family leaves the church, especially over the issue of women in ministry.  It is even more difficult when four generous families leave and the congregation sees a need it isn’t quite sure how to fulfill.  There is a loss that needs to be named and mourned.  By helping the congregation to name the loss, the leadership can begin to walk the congregation through a mourning process.  By helping the congregation to name its values and what values it desires to hold, the leadership can begin to rebuild what has been lost.  By engaging in Scripture teaching and preaching that both questions and challenges, as well as affirms and encourages the congregation to step up in ministry practices, the leadership can better empower the entire congregation to dwell in the rich practices of the gathered body of Christ, the Ekklesia.